


It keeps coming back to me

by tveckling



Series: Fuck Sisyphus [1]
Category: Hades (Video Game 2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dialogue Heavy, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hypnos is scary, M/M, MegZag is also there, POV Zagreus (Hades Video Game), People actually react to the Sisyphus situation, People are mad at Zagreus, Than has trauma from the Sisyphus situation, some Canon Dialogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 08:54:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29681475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tveckling/pseuds/tveckling
Summary: "Than! Hey, you're here."Before the words had finished leaving his tongue Zagreus felt himself hesitating. There was something wrong with Thanatos, he saw as he came closer. He looked even stiffer than normal, and it seemed the air around him was denser than anywhere else. And, as he turned around, Zagreus could see his arms tightly crossed over his chest. But what really cemented the fact thatsomethingwas wrong was the absolutely blank expression he wore.
Relationships: Thanatos/Zagreus (Hades Video Game)
Series: Fuck Sisyphus [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2186127
Comments: 17
Kudos: 141





	It keeps coming back to me

**Author's Note:**

> Me, looking desperately for some part of the fic that I can use for the summary so I don't have to write an actual proper summary for once in my life? _Neverrrrr._
> 
> Now, as for the fic. I Do Not like Sisyphus. At all. Neither in the myths nor in game. I trust him as far as I can physically throw him. I really r e a l l y do not like him, and I feel like everything he did was just brushed over like nothing lol, which I suppose is fair considering -it is Greek mythology-. But still.  
> So, I took my favorite details of the various Sisyphus-Thanatos myths, as you do, and then I used some headcanons for the game, and then I poured a hefty amount of angst and trauma over that, and _voila._ Here we are.
> 
> And as it happened I accidentally came up with plenty of side stories to this fic, so now it's a whole verse. Look forward to that, I guess. This is the only one where everyone gangs up to harass Zag tho lol

Groaning, Zagreus stepped out of the water, waving with a smile at some nearby shades that stared at him. "Hey, there. Good day we're having, right? Or night. Don't mind me, good shades, carry on."

At the end of the hall, Hypnos shot upright awake when Zagreus walked up, pretending he hadn't been fast asleep, and he hummed as he checked his list. "Oh, [Redacted] got you again? You really should watch out for that poison, or teeth, or spear, or whatever it is they use to kill you."

Zagreus snorted as he stretched. "I'll keep that in mind for next time, thanks, mate."

"You're very welcome."

It would take some time before his father returned to the House, then, Zagreus thought as he looked around. Which meant he could take some time to chat with people, without his overbearing presence making them all stiff and nervous. Except for Hypnos, of course, who had already fallen asleep again. Carefree, as always.

Zagreus chuckled as he turned the corner and searched along the wall where his mentor always stood guarding the hall. But, no luck. Achilles was nowhere to be found.

"Guess he's gone on break," Zagreus muttered, rubbing his neck. Time to see if someone else was around, then.

Already as he looked towards the end of the hallway he had begun walking again, preparing for disappointment, because Than was so rarely to be found out in the field, and even rarer inside the House. But instead, he stopped, a smile quickly growing on his face as he saw that familiar figure staring out over the red river. Looked like this trip home wasn't going to be a waste at all, after all.

"Than! Hey, you're here."

Before the words had finished leaving his tongue Zagreus felt himself hesitating. There was something wrong with Thanatos, he saw as he came closer. He looked even stiffer than normal, and it seemed the air around him was denser than anywhere else. And, as he turned around, Zagreus could see his arms tightly crossed over his chest. But what really cemented the fact that _something_ was wrong was the absolutely blank expression he wore.

"Zagreus."

Zagreus flinched inwardly. Even his voice was monotonous. There was no way any of that was good. "Hey, you're looking… off. Is everything alright?"

Several seconds passed in silence as Thanatos looked at him, and Zagreus hid his hands behind his back so it wouldn't be too obvious how he fiddled with them.

Finally, Thanatos looked away, and Zagreus felt he could breathe easier again. The relief was short-lived, however, as Thanatos started speaking, still with that emotionless voice. "I heard you stayed the knave-king's sentence."

Closing his eyes Zagreus cursed everything and everyone. He'd known Than would find out, of course. He'd just hoped it wouldn't be so quick, and that he'd have come up with something to say by the time he did.

"I should be angry with you. Sisyphus must be the only mortal _ever_ to have humiliated me. But Mother Nyx, she…" Zagreus dared to open his eyes as Thanatos' voice broke. But apart from the way he'd averted his eyes Thanatos' face still didn't show a thing. "She… must have backed you. Didn't she?"

Zagreus grimaced, shifting from one foot to the other. "We... did what needed to be done. As much as Father likes making examples out of wretched shades, an eternal punishment felt a little excessive in this case. Besides," he hurried to add, wanting to soothe his friend and lover, "Sisyphus isn't leaving, anyway. Seems to have found his niche."

Thanatos blinked. "Oh? Well. He's an odd one through and through. I guess. As long as I don't have to deal with him again."

Before Zagreus could offer his assurances Than shook his head. "I have work," was all he said, and then he was gone.

"Than…" 

Zagreus groaned again, dragging his hand down his face. Why was it this situation always led to such damn uncomfortable conversations? Why was it so hard to forgive and move on? Sisyphus had said himself that he regretted what he'd done in his mortal days, and Zagreus hadn't known him to ever be anything other than courteous and thoughtful, without any resentment over the punishment he'd had to endure for so long. Why couldn't Meg and Than be like that? Whatever had happened couldn't have been so bad that they still couldn't move on from it.

Suddenly he didn't feel like chatting with others. He petted Cerberus quickly as he passed, because he could never refuse his favorite boy some affection, and smiled at Nyx. Inside his chambers, he took a look at the Fated List, explored the darkness in Nyx’s mirror. Considered going out to the courtyard to make another attempt. But Thanatos came back to his mind, and he instead headed for his bed, falling own face-first onto the mattress. Maybe some rest would be good, for once, before he continued.

* * *

Theseus' voice was still ringing in his head, and Zagreus wondered if dunking his head once more into the water might erase it. Stupid, gloating, big-headed oaf. If only the Olympians didn't keep on helping him, or Asterius at least, Zagreus would easily slam his head into the ground every time they met. And, oh boy, would he enjoy it.

"You don't happen to know any secrets or something about that idiot, Theseus?" Zagreus started as he came closer to Hypnos. "I swear, if there was just something that could shut his loud mouth, I'd jump right on… it…"

Zagreus looked around, but seeing as every other shade was carefully staying far away from them he had to conclude that _he_ was the one Hypnos was glaring at. Glaring. Hypnos.

"Uh, mate, is everything oka-"

"Shut up."

Zagreus blinked, feeling like he'd just gotten a numbskull thrown at his head. Did his words really upset Hypnos that much? Since when did he care about Theseus? He was always joining in when Zagreus wanted to complain, talking about how Asterius deserved far more time in the spotlight, and the champion taken down several pegs.

"Listen, Hypnos, if you're mad about what I said about Theseus, I'm-"

"For once, how about you just listen?" The tone Hypnos was using was eerily reminiscent of Nyx when Zagreus had done something bad, and he felt his mouth slam shut. "Do you have any idea what's going on, or is it just another thing you didn't bother to look into? Haven't you wondered why Than hasn't shown up to try and drag you out of trouble for the past several days?"

Zagreus flinched, more from the poisonous voice the usually amicable god was using, rather than the words. But then his brain caught up, and he blinked.

"Not… what? Not really. I guess. He's busy, of course, he can't make time for me all the time."

Hypnos scoffed, and Zagreus felt it like a slap in his face. _What was going on here?_

"He'd do anything for you. Even risk your father's anger and disapproval, and that's the one thing he fears almost as much as Mother's disapproval. But you, you don't even notice when he's gone for a whole week, don't care to ask anyone about him! While he's working himself to the bone, not taking even a minute's rest, refusing contact with _anyone._ " The parchment in Hypnos' hands was fast becoming very crumpled, and Zagreus wondered quickly if it would be usable again. "He even threatened Hermes when I sent him with a message."

Shaking his head Zagreus tried to think, pushed away his shock at Hypnos' behavior, and focused on Thanatos. He hadn't seen him in quite some time, that was true. But he really hadn't thought much about it. Than was on his own schedule, and there was more than enough on his own plate for Zagreus to put the matter of his absence aside.

He knew Thanatos was obsessed with his work. Anyone who knew him knew that. But that he'd been working nonstop for days? Even Than would be badly worn out from such a thing. And to threaten the very messenger of the gods? Zagreus had never heard of him acting like that.

"I… I don't…" Zagreus rubbed his face and looked entreating at Hypnos. "What's wrong with him? Do you know? Has Nyx said anything?"

The smile on Hypnos' face was an ugly, twisted version of the one he always showed. " _Maybe_ , just a thought, _maybe_ it's because releasing a certain someone, to roam free as he pleases, _maybe_ that could have brought up some bad memories, _don't you think?"_

If they were talking about a 'certain someone' in regard to Thanatos, Zagreus could only imagine one person. And as he shook his head again he could feel a stone set in his stomach. "No, but… he, Than, he didn't seem... that upset when we spoke about it."

Looking up again at Hypnos was a mistake because the cold fury on his face could freeze even the ever-burning blood in Zagreus' veins. Suddenly, Zagreus was reminded that Hypnos wasn't just the affable and annoying little brother Zagreus thought of him as. Unbidden, the memory flew to his mind of how easily Hypnos had put the whole House to sleep.

Hypnos was born of Night herself, twin of Death, and he wasn't _harmless._

"Of course," he started, and Zagreus flinched at the sound of his cold voice, "Thanatos wouldn't dream of actually telling you how upset he truly is. No matter what it is. He never shows his emotions, not to anyone, and especially not to you. But that doesn't mean he doesn't _have them._ He pushes them away and buries them as far deep he is able. But no one knows better than I how bad that incident hurt him. No one else saw the nightmares he had, night after night, until he didn't dare to rest, only collapsing into sleep because his body couldn't take it. It took me… _so long_ to make those dreams stop returning. And, now it's all coming back to haunt him. Because of _you."_

Zagreus stared at his old friend, a faint ringing in his ears as he tried to come to terms with everything Hypnos had said.

Hypnos looked back at him, and it seemed his anger had softened because Zagreus didn't feel like he was considering where to dump his body. "If you want my advice… go away, find Thanatos, and fix what you did. Now."

It was as clear a dismissal as any his father had ever uttered, and the fact that it came from _Hypnos_ didn't even seem so weird anymore. There was so much else he had to think about. Without a word he turned around and walked away, making shades quickly move out of his way.

He kept remembering how Than had talked about Orpheus and Eurydice, and how badly that situation could have turned out. Without knowing the actual details and feelings of those involved, it was so easy to mess everything up. To leave it even worse than it was before.

He didn't regret butting into their business, not even for a moment. They loved each other and missed each other, and if no one had done anything they never would have been able to meet up again, and Zagreus was _happy_ about bringing that about.

And he knew Sisyphus, had met the man enough times that he felt he knew him, maybe not the person he was, but the person he had become. He didn't regret helping him out.

But, maybe. Just maybe. This once, he should have looked more into all that had led to Sisyphus' eternal punishment.

Making a snap decision he turned right instead of left, heading directly into the lounge instead of his bedchambers. Collapsing at the bar he motioned at the chef. "Give me something strong, Chef. Anything. Whatever you have, as long as it's going to make me wish I was dead."

"I could do that for you, instead. Would be faster, and far more satisfying."

Zagreus groaned at the sound of the poisonous tone and wondered if he should just bash his head against the bar and save everyone the trouble. Maybe if he did it hard enough he could somehow restart this entire day.

Tempting, but Megaera sat down next to him before he could make a decision. And, seeing how she looked more than ready to help him with that bashing idea, he kept his mouth shut.

"Meg," he greeted, already fearing what she was going to say. Considering how the day was going, he could think of quite a few things, and none of them seemed even the slightest inviting.

"Zagreus. You never seem to be able to stop yourself from stepping in it, do you?"

She sounded calm, and looked calm too, but a quick look at her eyes quickly rid him of the pitiful hope of her just messing with him for some reason. No, she was pissed off. Zagreus could feel the good relationship they'd been building start breaking apart again, and he just _really_ wanted that drink.

It seemed he wasn't the only one, because Megaera gestured at the chef. "Just give us two glasses, and skip the drink. I have some contraband to get rid of."

The bottle of nectar Megaera put on the bar sure looked like one of the ones Zagreus had given her, but her glare made sure he didn't even think about commenting on it. He didn't think about saying anything, at all, because every time he opened his mouth she tensed as if she was going to use the bottle as a hammer against his head. So, he stayed silent, because he had to get through this conversation so he could then think about how the hell he was going to fix the situation between Than and him.

The moment the glasses were set down Megaera popped the bottle open and poured for both of them, then drank half her glass in one motion. Zagreus looked at her wearily, but then threw caution to the wind and did the same.

"So, what have I done to earn your anger today, Meg? Or, tonight. Whichever."

Megaera looked at him like he'd lost his head, and with a sinking feeling he suspected he didn't actually need her to answer. "Are you kidding me, Zagreus? I told you- I _told_ you, but you still went ahead and released that man!"

Zagreus glared right back at her, because this was starting to feel very one-sided, and he had had his reasons! "You _told_ me you would be happy to never have to see him again."

The way she showed her teeth made Zagreus think she was considering ripping his throat out, but he refused to back down.

"I said that because I would like nothing more than to never see that miserable wretch again. But I didn't think you would actually _release_ him from his punishment entirely! I thought you were just going to change the terms of it, not absolve him entirely."

Now, it was Zagreus' turn to lean back and glower at someone else. "And why would that be so bad? Why are you all so furious with him? I know he managed to trick both Than and Father, but it doesn't sound to me like that's a crime befitting of such a harsh punishment."

"That's because you don't know!" Had there been any nectar left in her glass when she slammed it down on the bar it would have been a mess to clean up. "You know _nothing._ You claim to love Than, then turn around and ask why we're not celebrating when you release the person who hurt him so bad!"

"Then, tell me! Tell me, what was it that Sisyphus did that was so bad? What did he do? You keep accusing me of not knowing, but how can I change that if no one tells me anything?"

For a moment Megaera stared at him, then she looked away, her fury gone as if it hadn't ever been there. She looked uncomfortable, more so than he could remember seeing her in recent history. "That's… it's not my place to talk about. You should know, you're right. But I'm… I'm not the right person. You should… you should probably ask Than himself."

Grabbing her hand quickly, Zagreus leaned forward, his heart pounding in his chest. It was telling him if he didn't find out what had happened, there and then, he never would. "Meg, _please_. You know, just as I do, that Than will never tell me. Not if it's such a painful memory as everyone seems to think it is. _Especially_ not then. And, I need to know."

Megaera stared down at their hands, silently thinking. Zagreus prayed fervently, hoping desperately that she wouldn't just get up and leave; she was his best hope of figuring out what had happened, how he had messed up, and how he could possibly fix it. If she left he didn't know where to even start figuring things out.

Finally, she groaned and filled her glass to the brim, quickly raising it and tossing it all back before refilling it. But then she stopped and sighed. "You're right. You're right. You have no idea, and someone has to tell you before this damn situation can be fixed. I just… gods, I hate that I have to do it."

Zagreus raised his glass to her with a wry half-smile. "If it's any consolation, I doubt I'm feeling much happier about it than you do."

That brought a snort, at least, and a smile, no matter how short-lived. Chewing on her lip Megaera looked down at the bar. "So… you should know, first off. Than has always been a hard worker, was probably born that way. Obsessed with his work, more so than anyone, save your father, probably. But… back then, before the thing went down with Sisyphus—and that happened long before you were even born—back then he seemed to think it was more than just a job. He used to appear to the mortals before he reaped them, you know. Talked with them. Answered their questions, eased their minds, that stuff. Always been a damn softie, that one. Never understood it, myself, but that's why I have my job and he has his, I guess.

Used to be more sociable, too. Believe it or not. Never as much as his brother, but he spent plenty of his free time here in the lounge. He could smile, laugh, even crack jokes sometimes, if you'll believe it. It's hard to imagine now, but… he did. Wasn't anywhere as stiff as he is now. Still good company, because he always has been. But unlike now, I guess, people looked for his company and he was happy to give it."

Zagreus watches as Megaera absently took a sip of her drink, her gaze faraway.

"Then, one day the thunder god demanded he go and deal with this mortal king who'd garnered his anger. He'd broken the _xenia_ and killed guests housed under his own roof—multiple times, even. A true oathbreaker, in the flesh, who I'd happily get my claws on. Of course, as befits such a man, he had several other crimes under his belt. The transgression we all agreed was the one that actually made Zeus angry, was when he'd caused trouble with one of his conquests. You've heard the stories, and you know how the Olympians get. Murder isn't something they care about, not really, but interfere with one of their little affairs, and in a moment you can see your life becoming ruined. But, so. It was an order from _the_ Lord Zeus, anyway, so Than did as ordered and went up to the surface to meet Sisyphus and bring him back here."

Then, she hesitated, pursing her lips as she swirled the nectar in her glass. "The truth is… I don't know the details of what happened up there. There were a lot of rumors, of course, but Than didn't want to talk about it, and you know how Lord Hades is when the shades begin gossiping. As for me… I didn't push. But, from what I gathered, that friend of yours managed to trap Than, and somehow kept him captive. And, you know how it is with Than, always coming and going. No one really noticed anything was wrong until there were just… no more deaths. Wars yielded no corpses, starving people didn't die, disease-ridden humans remained on the ground and continued spreading their sickness freely. Because he was gone, somehow cut off from all of the realms.

I… I wish… I could say we all did our best to try and find him. But, that would be a lie. We all had our regular jobs that had to be done, and then, when the shades heard about what was happening on the surface, we also had to work extra to keep them all in place. It… shames me to say, but I don't know that anyone took the time to search for him. Nyx, perhaps. Surely. But, if she did, she didn't find him."

There was a pain in Zagreus' stomach. The stone was getting heavier, slowly growing and twisting as he listened to Megaera talk. Even if he'd had any words to say, even if he'd had any questions, he wouldn't have been able to voice them. It was hard to breathe, even. He wasn't sure he wanted her to continue; he knew he wouldn't be able to find peace if she stopped.

Taking another sip, as though to strengthen herself, Megaera continued in a low voice. "He was gone for months, at least. Then, one day he just appeared again. He had Sisyphus with him, in chains as he was supposed to, and handed him over to Lord Hades for judgment. But… he was different, after that. Changed. He stopped showing himself to the humans, stopped talking with them. Stopped talking with anyone, except for Nyx and Lord Hades. I only caught short glimpses of him, for a long time after that, because he shunned all of our company when possible. Eventually, of course, and surely thanks to Nyx, he started coming around again. We picked up our friendship, and it even grew stronger thanks to our dislike for Sisyphus. But… it wasn't like before. Nothing about him was.

"As for that shade of yours, well, when Than brought him in, that wasn't the last of his attempts to escape the consequences for his actions. He used his own wife, this time. He'd told her to throw out his body without any funerary rites or tributes. Using this affront he managed to convince Queen Persephone, tender-hearted as she is and always has been, to let him return to the surface to reprimand his wife and make sure he got a proper funeral. Of course, once he was up there, he simply refused to follow the oath he'd given and return to Tartarus where he belonged. Than… refused to go anywhere near him. So, in the end, he was dragged down here by Lord Hermes, and Lord Hades delivered upon him his punishment in person."

With a heavy sigh, Megaera finished her glass and turned to him. "And that is the story. That's why none of us will congratulate you on a job well done for having released Sisyphus from his bonds. And, whatever happened between them on the surface, that is why Than is trying to kill himself with work right now."

Zagreus couldn't meet her eyes. Couldn't make himself do anything other than stare down into the nectar in his own glass. Tried to reconcile the Sisyphus he knew, polite and patient and wise, with the figure Meg spoke of. He knew Sisyphus had done something bad, especially because Sisyphus himself had said as much. But, it was beginning to dawn on Zagreus exactly how bad.

And he still didn't know any of the details that mattered to him, personally, didn't know what had happened between Sisyphus and Thanatos.

He wasn't sure he wanted to know.

"Thank you, Meg," he said, softly. A part of him was almost surprised to hear his own voice.

Megaera sighed, and in the corner of his eye Zagreus could see her rub her head. "Listen… I might… have been a little too harsh on you. You didn't know. You didn't exactly try to find out, but… it doesn't matter, now. Now, you know. And, Zag… Than and me, we're close. I consider him one of my closest friends. I love him. But, we don't have the sort of relationship that you do. We're… well, neither of us are good at this. At talking, especially about our emotions. I never knew what to say to him to try and make him hurt less. And now he's hurting again. So, I'm just asking you… please, talk with him. Do whatever it is you do, with the whole… I don't know, bringing people together. Making them happy again, or something. You're good at that, apparently."

That made Zagreus snort, and he thought, as he looked at Megaera, that he really did love her. Taking her hand he kissed it quickly, smiling softly at her as he said, again, "Thank you."

Groaning in annoyance Megaera waved him away. "Enough. Go do something about… everything, instead. Now."

"As you wish. Thanks for the drink."

He was definitely feeling better as he exited the lounge. Thanatos was still heavy on his mind, but he felt like he was on far more stable ground. Nyx wasn't in her usual spot, and while she probably would have been able to give him even more help, he was actually relieved. It would be too awkward to face her, after starting to realize what a blunder he made.

Inside his bedchambers he threw himself on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He had to think. About what he'd learned. About what he was going to do. About what he was going to _say._

But, more than anything else, he just really wanted to take Than in his arms and hold him tight.

* * *

Unsurprisingly, Thanatos didn't show up to pretend he wasn't hauling Zagreus' ass out of the fire. Despite Zagreus' best tries to take as many hits he could while not actually dying—which was proving too damn hard, and when he finally made up with Than again he'd better appreciate his hard work. At least it was Asterius who killed him, and not the braggart.

And, sure, it was probably a stupid idea, to begin with, Zagreus thought as he pretended not to notice Hypnos ignoring him. If he was as upset as Hypnos and Megaera seemed to think, then the likelihood of him showing up was lower than low. But, then again, he had shown up, back when he was still pissed off, so Zagreus had decided to take a shot and see how it went.

Not well, was his conclusion. And rather painful.

Sighing, he turned towards his room. He needed to think, again. But, as he passed his father's desk, the too-loud voice stopped him cold.

"It seems you have caused turbulence within the House. I suggest you figure out a way to solve it, before it gets out of hand. And, perhaps, in the future, you'll be more aware that your actions might have consequences."

Clenching his fists Zagreus took a deep breath, forcing back the biting words he wanted to give in response. Instead, he said shortly, "I know. I'm working on it."

Without looking at his father he started walking again, ignoring the burning gaze at his back. Everyone in the whole goddamned House was far too involved and knowledgeable about his business sometimes. At least there was someone, who knew more than anyone else, who might be able to use that knowledge to help him.

"Nyx!" Seeing his foster-mother Zagreus sped up, jogging up to her. "Nyx, I need to speak with you about something."

"Greetings, child. I fear that I already know what is on your mind."

Nyx was Nyx, and the whole House was full of gossipers. He wasn't surprised. "Of course you do. Do you know…" He rubbed his neck, feeling awkward now that he had a chance to talk with her. Afraid, because she might actually be able to help him. "Can you tell me? Where he is?"

Nyx was silent, staring down at her hands with a more despondent look than Zagreus had ever seen her wear. "In our family emotions can be… difficult, more so than it is for others. For my son, especially. He has always been a silent, hardworking one. Many times have I thought that he was hiding his thoughts from me, as if he did not want to burden me with them. When I assisted your efforts to free Sisyphus I did not consider the impact it might have on Thanatos. And I fear, should I call on him… that he might not answer. Or he will answer, in anger."

"He wouldn't do that," Zagreus answered immediately, with full conviction. If there was one thing he knew, it was that Thanatos' love for his mother would always trump anything else. "He loves you more than anything else, Nyx, more than the night or life or death, or anything in between."

Nyx looked up at him, finally, and it seemed her eyes had softened. "If that is so, then, I know someone else who makes him feel as much love. I do know where he is, but you cannot go to him." She was silent for a moment, seemingly in deep thought. "Go to his bedchambers, and wait. I will call on him, and should it be as you say, he will arrive there shortly. Then you can talk. And, hopefully, ease his heart."

"I'm on my way. Thank you, Nyx."

"No. Thank you, for doing what I cannot," Nyx said in a low voice, almost as though talking to herself. Zagreus pretended he hadn't heard.

It was a good thing that Zagreus had already been to Thanatos' chamber so many times, or he might have gotten lost. Out of the way in one of the wings on a lower floor, it was as if Thanatos had chosen it because it was less likely for anyone to visit him. The room itself was much like Zagreus remembered it, he thought as he closed the door behind him, squashing the feeling of intruding. Shelves with tidy rows of parchment rolls lined one wall, and the desk with even more rolls made Zagreus want to roll his eyes, because _really._ Than was such a nerd.

The bed was perfectly made, Zagreus noted with unease. It looked untouched, even, as if no one had used it for a long, long time. Quickly he walked past it, over to the balcony overseeing the Styx.

That was another wholly plausible reason why Thanatos made this his bedroom, Zagreus pondered. He did seem to enjoy standing by the river, after all. Maybe he'd ask about that, sometime. There had to be a reason—no one else Zagreus knew actually liked the river. It tended to make people nervous, instead. Reminded them of their deaths, he supposed. Though, he doubted that would be true for Thanatos. After all, it was hard to be reminded of your death if you _were_ Death.

The sound of a gong made him swirl around, heart hammering in his chest.

And, there, just a few feet away, Thanatos appeared. His face was carefully neutral as he looked around—probably searching for Nyx—but when he spotted Zagreus he froze. In a moment that blank expression broke, and Zagreus' heart ached as he watched the emotions fly across Thanatos' face. Shock, hurt, anger. Shame.

At the same moment Thanatos averted his eyes, with that shamed expression, Zagreus knew what he was going to do. Quickly, before he could second-guess his own actions, he leaped forward and grabbed Thanatos, hugging him tight even as the other god flailed and tried to push him away.

"Zag, let go of me!"

"Only if you don't try to run away!"

"I'm not-" Thanatos stopped fighting, and just stood there with closed eyes. Zagreus didn't dare release him, not yet. "I'm not… going to. Okay? I won't shift away. So you can let go of me."

Narrowing his eyes, Zagreus slowly let go and took a step back. Thanatos readjusted his clothes with a huff, glancing at Zagreus. He looked tired, Zagreus saw, now that he took an actual look, and his heart ached again.

"We need to talk," he declared.

"I don't see anything to talk about."

Zagreus crossed his arms with a deep frown. "Don't try that with me. Not after half the people in the House have berated me for upsetting you."

Thanatos stiffened with widened, horrified eyes, but Zagreus ignored the pang of guilt and soldiered on.

"I've been told in very frank terms how big of a blunder I made, and how bad the consequences for me would be if I didn't fix it. So, here I am, fixing it. And you are not going to escape."

Sighing, Thanatos rubbed his face. "It's… I'm fine. I'm sorry about worrying everyone, and I will make sure to assure them all that I'm fine, too. It was just a momentary lapse in judgment, that's all."

"Hey, Than, come on." Carefully, Zagreus reached out and took Thanatos' hand. To his relief, Thanatos didn't pull away, though he tensed for a moment. "It's me. Talk with me, okay."

"There's nothing to talk about," Thanatos said, and with how stiff he looked it felt like Zagreus could top him over with a small push.

"Don't. You know, if you only actually _talked_ with me, I would have known how much releasing Sisyphus from his punishment would upset you. If you had actually said something about what happened, I might not have thought it was just some little prank."

"Nothing happened."

Thanatos refused to look at him, and Zagreus looked down at their hands instead. Swung them back and forth a little. "I talked with Meg, you know. Or, rather, she came and gave me a verbal lashing. And, then, she told me about what happened. As much as she knew, anyway."

He could feel Thanatos staring at him now, but it was Zagreus' turn to refuse to look up. "I… she didn't know the details of what happened. But, she told me how it affected you. And she also told me what Sisyphus had done as a mortal, and how he tricked my mother, as well, in a last attempt to escape his punishment. And, I just… I didn't know, Than. I swear. I had no idea."

"You still don't." Thanatos' voice was low, but he sounded calm, resigned almost, so Zagreus dared to look back up at him. "I suppose you know about everything else he did, of course, just not… what happened between us. Him and me."

Sighing, Thanatos let go of Zagreus' hand and walked over to the balustrade. Without looking back he asked, "What did Megaera tell you? About what happened to me?"

Zagreus scratched the back of his head, rolling back on his heels. "She said… Sisyphus managed to trick you and hold you captive, somehow. You were gone for quite some time, and when you came back you were… changed. From how you'd, _uh,_ been… before."

A humorless huff of laughter came from Thanatos' direction. "She told you I was happy and sociable before that?"

"Not… exactly?"

"Well… I suppose I was, to an extent. I remember enjoying things, and other people's company, far more before… everything. I suppose I did change."

Thanatos was silent for a long time, after that. Long enough that Zagreus had to force himself to remain still, instead of pacing, or try to fill the silence with chatter of his own. It was clear that Thanatos was going to tell him what happened; he just needed time.

Then, finally, he spoke, his voice so soft that Zagreus had to strain his ears to hear his words. "My orders were to put him in chains and take him to Tartarus to be punished. From the start, I didn't have any objections. I feel every death that happens, all the time, as though they are a part of me; I was aware of the horrific crimes he was guilty of, probably better than any other person, save those he had actually murdered. I knew perfectly well what he was capable of. But, when I came to fetch him, he was… kind. Polite. Apologized for the trouble, but asked if I would mind explaining some things for him."

There was another humorless chuckle, and Zagreus had to clench his fists so he didn't walk over and do something stupid that interrupted Thanatos and made him stop talking.

"He was very nervous, he said. And I… I was young. Assured of myself and my powers. Didn't think there was anything anyone could do to me; I was Death, after all. The very thought was preposterous. And I already had a habit of talking with the mortals I reaped, often indulging the sorts of explanations I thought he was going to ask of me. So, I didn't see anything wrong in indulging his request, too. He asked me to show how the chains worked."

With how Thanatos was turned away, hands on the balustrade, hood pulled up over his head, Zagreus had no way of seeing his face, but he could all too easily see how tense he was. It made Zagreus almost desperate to march over and take his lover and friend in his arms, to hold him and comfort him until he was calm and relaxed again. But he knew better, knew that he had to give Thanatos space and time, let him be vulnerable on his own terms, or it would all be ruined.

"I thought, even then, what a simply idiotic request that was. They were _chains._ But, he looked so nervous, and looking at him I felt bad for what I was going to put him through. So… I showed him. On myself. Showed that they weren't as heavy as they looked, and they wouldn't hurt to wear. Hephaestus himself had crafted them, and wasn't there a small sense of pride in that? The god of the forge himself."

A rasping sound alerted Zagreus to how Thanatos' armored fist slowly clenched. It seemed almost as if the sharp ends were trying to cut into the concrete beneath his hands. Thanatos was leaning heavily on the balustrade, and Zagreus could see how he trembled, and he _ached._ A part of him wished he'd never brought this up.

"They… were no ordinary chains. Of course, they weren't. Hephaestus never makes anything ordinary, no matter what it's supposed to be used for. The moment the shackles touched my wrists I could feel the way they were affecting me. It was as though they were smothering me, weakening me. Weakening my divinity. My powers. I had never felt anything like that, and it took me entirely by surprise. Sisyphus… must have seen that. He seized his opportunity, while I was weakened and distracted, and attacked me. I remember a scuffle, but not much else. I was so confused, and… _scared."_

The admission was whispered, Thanatos' head lowered. Zagreus didn't need to see his face to all too clearly imagine the shame filling it, and he wished he could soothe it.

"The next thing I knew, I was lying on the floor, with him above me and the key to the shackles in his hand. I still… remember what it felt like, when he locked the first shackle. It was overwhelming, enough that I didn't even notice the other one being locked. It was… I have… _never_ felt such horrible, crushing isolation as I did then. My godhood was gone, my strength no more than a human's. My powers were nowhere to be found, no matter how I reached for them. And the constant stream of deaths that I've felt, since the very moment of my birth, that innate connection I've always had with every living being… was silent. It was _gone,_ Zag."

At the sound of his name spoken in that desperate way, Zagreus couldn't remain still any longer. Quickly, with his heart in his throat and his mind focused only on the raw anguish he'd heard, he walked over to his lover. At the last moment, he calmed himself, and only placed his hand on Thanatos' shoulder. To say he was there. To offer support.

"It's in the past," he said with a hoarse voice, trying to keep it as gentle as possible. "It was the past. You're here, connected to us all, as you should be. You're here. I'm here."

Through where their bodies connected Zagreus could feel tremors, and after waiting a few seconds for Thanatos to react he stepped closer, pressing his chest against Thanatos' back, his arms sneaking around his middle to hug him tight. Another handful of seconds passed in silence until Thanatos let out a shaking breath. His tremors had abated, at least. He remained facing away, but Zagreus had no problems giving him this small protection, and instead leaned his head against the back of Thanatos'. It calmed him, too, to feel his friend and lover there with him, this person who was so precious to him, alive and well.

Slowly Thanatos' bare hand came up to cover one of his, and he took a deep breath. "It was agonizing, to say the least. The memory of it is… not pleasant. But, it is nothing compared to what I actually felt at the time. I can't imagine it was all too hard to pull me up and drag me away. I was in such a state I didn't notice what was happening until I was being pushed down into an empty chest."

Zagreus both felt and heard Thanatos' frustrated sigh.

"As I said, in those chains, I possessed none of my godly strength. I was, to my great shame, helpless. As the top closed shut, leaving me in complete darkness, I could do nothing. And that was my existence for the near future. Seeing nothing. Hearing nothing. _Feeling_ nothing, when I should be feeling _everything._ It was for but a few months, not even a blink of the eye for a god, but in that darkness, in that crushing nothingness, a blink of the eye was an eternity.

"I think I went mad, at some point, after I lost the strength to try and claw my way out. I had no strength or powers, but I was still a god. More importantly, even trapped in those chains, I was still Death. I could not die. Whatever self-inflicted injuries I suffered healed. I survived, against my own wishes and prayers."

"I'm grateful that you did," Zagreus murmured, holding onto Thanatos tightly. He couldn't tell which of them was shaking, now. Thanatos squeezed his hand, and Zagreus wondered fleetingly if the touch brought Thanatos as much comfort as it did him.

"You can't possibly know what that experience was like to live through. And I'm grateful for that!" Thanatos hurried to add, as though Zagreus would be offended. "It's… you don't live with constantly feeling it as the mortals die, as though those deaths are a part of you. As though it is a part of _you,_ however small, that is dying. So, you can't know what it was like to have that removed, and I don't know how to explain it. It was… afterward, it took me a long time to recover. I couldn't stand to be alone, but I also couldn't stand to be around anyone else. Illogical and baseless as it was, I nonetheless feared them, feared being trapped once more, feared that agonizing isolation. I kept my distance from my colleagues, and those I called friends. Only Mother Nyx and Hypnos could be at my side without my mind screaming at me to escape. And Ares, of course."

That made Zagreus blink, and he had to take a second to make sure he heard correctly. "Ares? The God of War? That Ares?"

Thanatos huffed a breathless chuckle, and it warmed Zagreus' heart to hear that he actually sounded amused. "Yes, Zagreus, _that_ Ares. He was the one who rescued me, after all."

Zagreus shook his head, just barely keeping himself from bashing his head against the back of Thanatos'. "Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Ares? Rescued you? Why?"

"I… well, he's always said it was because war is boring when no one can die. But, regardless, he was the one who found me, and when my chains were unlocked his was the face I saw. I… owe him a debt I will never be able to fully repay."

All mirthful surprise slipped away, leaving Zagreus cold again as he thought about what Thanatos was saying. "Than… do you… do you resent them? Everyone here, in the House. Do you resent them, for not rescuing you?"

He didn't mention what Megaera had said, that no one had even searched for him. Instead, an _Olympian_ had been the one to find and set him free. Not one of his own people, not one of his own family.

Thanatos was silent for a while. "I think I did, at first. Not consciously, at least. I kept telling myself that they were all busy, trying to keep the Underworld in order. I can only imagine how all the shades reacted when rumors started being spread, as was bound to happen, sooner or later. And… I do still think so. I _know_ it."

Zagreus could hear the hesitation. "But…?"

Sighing, Thanatos shook his head. "But there was still a part of me that was hurt. None of those I cared about came looking for me, from what I heard. Of course, that would upset me. It… hurt. But, then, everything hurt. Even after the nightmares stopped, even after I could go back to something resembling a normal life. I only saw one option, back then. It all hurt, so bad, so I stopped feeling it. I pushed it all away, so far deep down that I couldn't feel anything anymore, and then I worked hard to make it stay that way. Eventually, I forgot it hadn't always been that way, that I hadn't always had these faint, muted emotions."

Without warning, Thanatos began moving, turning around in Zagreus' arms. And he smiled. Small, brittle, but it was still an actual smile. He raised his hand and carefully placed it on Zagreus' cheek. "It was you who changed all of that. You, with your recklessness, your curiosity, your love for everyone, how you always were so full of _life._ You made me feel again. Made me _love_ again. No matter how… unnerving it can be."

Zagreus couldn't help but smile widely, almost giddy. Throwing caution to the wind he leaned forward, bringing their lips together in a soft kiss. "I love you, too," he whispered when they separated, feeling his breath hitting Thanatos' lips. 

Thanatos was the one closing the distance between them this time.

It was peaceful, to just stand pressed together, but eventually, Zagreus stepped back, pulling Thanatos with him. “Come on.”

"Where to?" Thanatos asked, but didn't resist.

"I'm tired of being on my feet."

There was a perfectly good bed, right there, and Zagreus still didn't like how perfectly made it was. Throwing himself on it, absolutely ruining that perfection, gave him an unbelievable amount of satisfaction. Opening his arms he did his best Cerberus-begging-for-treats impression, trying to pretend he had three sets of heartfelt eyes.

Thanatos snorted and shook his head. "You're ridiculous."

But he sat down on the edge, and let himself be pulled the whole way down into Zagreus' arms. Perhaps he was just as eager for comfort because it didn't take long before he hugged Zagreus back. And for a while they lied there in silence, simply hugging each other. The thoughts raced through Zagreus' head, all that he had learned in the last couple of days. Everything he had found out in the last few hours.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. You didn't know."

Zagreus nuzzled the top of Thanatos' head, burying his nose in the gray hair. When he spoke again his voice was muffled, but he was certain Than could still understand him. "How are you feeling? Are you still… upset?"

Thanatos breathed out, the air tickling Zagreus' collarbone. "I'm not. I'm… how should I say… relieved? I have never spoken with anyone about this all. The only one I've even come close to is Ares, and since he was with me from the start I've never actually had to talk about what happened. It's… freeing, I suppose. I'm happy, and relieved, that you know, now."

"I wish you'd have told me about it earlier." Zagreus sighed dramatically. "But emotions are hard for you, I know. _Gods,_ do I know."

Thanatos made an affronted noise, but didn't actually protest. Zagreus sniggered and squeezed his lover tight. In response Thanatos grabbed his ass with his armored hand, digging in with the sharp claws until Zagreus squeaked and eased his grip in capitulation. Than's small laughter removed any thoughts of retribution, and Zagreus just smiled instead, feeling some of his worries ease.

The sounds of the river were pretty calming, Zagreus decided after lying there for some time. "I've been wondering," he started idly, waiting until he heard Thanatos' questioning hum before he continued. "I guess I get that you enjoy the view of the Styx. But… why do you have an actual balcony in your own bedchamber? Isn't that a bit… much?"

Thanatos froze in his grip, and Zagreus cursed himself as he realized it wasn't as simple a situation as he'd thought. Quickly enough, however, Thanatos relaxed, turning around to lie on his other side. Facing away from Zagreus, which was definitely becoming a too obvious sign of discomfort.

"It probably is," he said, and Zagreus felt like slapping himself. "But when I had just a window I felt… trapped. I don't do well with enclosed spaces, even to this day. Perhaps that is why I enjoy your chamber so much. We all make fun of you having no doors, but I find it quite relaxing."

Rolling his eyes—because, yes, he had heard all of the comments about his open chamber—Zagreus bit back his response to that, and focused on the last part. "So, you don't like feeling confined. I understand that. Is there anything else I should know, so I can stop putting my foot in my mouth?"

Thanatos chuckled as he patted Zagreus' hand. "You don't do that. Too often, anyway, and when you do it's strangely charming. But, yes. I suppose, the only thing that concerns you… well. Is Sisyphus, himself. I know," he hurried to say, as if he had to explain himself, as if Zagreus was going to protest, "that he didn't actually do anything. All he did was turn the key in the locks. Of the chains, and the chest… my pain, my nightmares, it all comes from the experience I suffered because of those chains, not from him. But, even so… when I hear his name, or I see his face, all the memories come back. I can almost feel the weight of the shackles. See the darkness creeping in on me. Which shouldn't be as disturbing as it is, since my mother is Night itself, but, well. It is what it is."

Zagreus curled up behind Thanatos, leaning his forehead against his shoulder blade. "I can't take it back, you know. The voiding of his sentence. And… I might be wrong, I don't know. But, I truly feel that he has changed. The Sisyphus today, he can't be the same person who murdered so many people, who hurt you this way, who would do anything he could to escape his fate. I just… I can't see it. But I'm still so, so very sorry, that I hurt you. That I didn't even notice that I hurt you."

"It's okay. For real, I'm not just saying it to make you feel better. I was upset, yes, but now… I feel like you wouldn't do the same thing again, not without talking with me-"

"I wouldn't, I swear!"

"Heh. So, yes. I'm okay. Provided, that is, that he actually stays in his corner of Tartarus, as you said. I… do not enjoy the thought of him roaming freely, I must admit. But, if he stays where he is, and where I know to avoid him, then it shall all be fine."

"I think he will. He didn't seem to have any interest in going anyway when I spoke with him."

"Mm. Then… good. That's good." Thanatos squeezed Zagreus' hand. Against his back, Zagreus smiled. "I will… have to thank Megaera. For talking with you."

Zagreus hummed and leaned over Thanatos' shoulder, peering down at him. "You really should talk with her too, you know. She's really worried. But you know how she is. She doesn't know how to express such things. She said you're one of her closest friends, and she loves you. So… you should talk. Just the two of you."

Thanatos glanced up at him, then stubbornly looked away, a faint blush on his cheeks. "I… I will keep that in mind. I mean, I will do that."

Considering the two of them, Zagreus highly doubted Thanatos would actually do it. But it was fine; Zagreus was there to force both of them into talking, even if he had to trick them. Settling down behind Thanatos again, he breathed out and made himself comfortable. Thanatos made a pleased sound and pressed back against him.

There. Seemed he had managed to fix it, after all. Take _that,_ Father, Zagreus thought with a vicious smile. Thanatos was happy again, and would stop overworking himself. True, Zagreus hadn't actually talked about that with him, but he had a feeling. And with that, there shouldn't be anyone left still upset at him.

"Ah."

"What?"

Thanatos sounded sleepy, and Zagreus wondered when he had last slept. He should stay quiet and just let him fall asleep—the thought of being able to watch a sleeping Thanatos excited him so much he decided to never, ever say a word about it to anyone. But, before the thought escaped him, and because Than would surely start bothering him if he didn't continue, he said, "It's just… I just remembered. With you not being upset anymore, I don't have to fear Hypnos putting me to sleep and throwing my body into Erebus."

Thanatos snorted hard, sounded unfairly amused. "Don't be ridiculous. He wouldn't do that."

"You didn't see him," Zagreus complained. "I had no idea he could be so scary. He's really protective of you. Seemed he put a lot of effort into helping you with your nightmares, because he threatened me about them. Your bad memories and nightmares were back, so I better go and fix it, _or else._ You know." Zagreus gestured idly.

When Thanatos sat up and stared down at him with a frown Zagreus just blinked back at him, confused. "Hypnos did _what?"_

"Threatened me? You know, I thought he was just a funny, and kind of annoy-"

"No, no, not that. What do you mean, he helped with my nightmares?"

Again, Zagreus blinked, feeling like he was being out on the spot. "Um… what… I said, I guess? I just know he said he'd spent a lot of time and effort watching over your sleep? And getting rid of your nightmares, apparently, because he was very unhappy that they were back."

Thanatos stared at him in silence, then dropped down onto the bed again, staring up at the ceiling. "Huh."

"I… take it you didn't know that, huh."

"I did not. I didn't… know that he cared that much."

Zagreus couldn't keep in the snort at that, and he smacked Thanatos' arm, ignoring the affronted look he was getting. "Seriously? How could you not know that? Everyone knows he practically worships you. Whenever you hang around the House he's always so happy and enthusiastic. Even more so than usual. He's so happy even if you just curse at him and go away, because it still meant you talked with him. Which, uh, I guess I always felt a little bad about… but, yeah, anyway. He loves you, Than."

"Huh…"

Turned out he wasn't the only clueless one, Zagreus thought as he watched Thanatos. He wasn't going to lie; that felt good to know. Smiling, he snuggled up to his lover again, putting his chin on Thanatos' shoulder. Thanatos didn't look at him, but he threaded his fingers with Zagreus', and, really, that was all he needed. For now, that was enough. _They_ were enough.

**Author's Note:**

> You want lots of retweeted art (SFW and NSFW alike) and.... other stuff, who even knows nowadays, but def fandom art, come find me at [twitter](https://twitter.com/tveckling)~


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